EMPTY TALK -The Unwritten speech

Ladies and gentlemen, and other people, hata mimi najivunia kuwa mkenya. Poor men, women and children, women and children who are dying from hunger and starvation and a myriad other diseases, I am proud to be a Kenyan because our Government of National Dis-Unity has made very many things possible.

I know you are not proud to be Kenyans. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t either.

Who, tell me, would be proud to be a citizen of a country where there are 40 billionaires and 40, 000, 000 beggars exclusive of numerous unborn and aborted children thrown in? Who would be proud to be and who are handicapped when it comes to running public institutions?

But thanks to you, I am proud to be a Kenyan you have to work to make this a Working Nation.

But just because you work doesn’t mean you can enjoy the fruits of your labour. Such fruits are for the chosen few and yours disappear between 30% taxation and the stratosphere, now that we have to get tax from every nook and cranny, including shanties and roadside vendors. I trust you catch my drift.

But you can always look on the bright side. My government has given you very many freebies. Free education, free tuberculosis and malaria drugs, and free poverty, meaning you are free to be poor without any assistance from my Government, which is dishing out poverty tokens. This is why our GDP (Gross Domestic Poverty) stands at 5%, a figure never before experienced in the 49-year history of this Great Nation.

Other freebies are the anti-retroviral drugs for people living with HIV/AIDS which my vice president once said huenda sambambana umasikini (goes hand in hand with poverty).

As for ARVs, you will have to cover long distances to reach the farthest Government hospitals and clinics to receive them. What is wrong with walking a mere 100 km on an empty stomach? To localize a Chinese saying, the journey of 100 km, to your suffering and painful death, starts with a single step- on an empty stomach. Take that step while the privileged are driven around in convoys of expensive fuel-guzzlers bought with your taxes.

Some wayward doctors talk about ART, as in Anti-Retroviral Therapy, meaning thast you need to eat well besides taking your medicine to prevent opportunistic infections, but that is their problem. My Government has gone past the T to the V, yaani ART to ARV. We are following the alphabet.

As you are aware, my government is trying to weed out corruption and we are getting to the point where corruption is not the weed, but the main crop because of its popularity.

Members of parliament are corrupt, as are civil servants…the whole caboodle. Why should we Waste time fighting the culture that drives our economy? Let it stay for the benefit of those who earn six figure salaries for fighting it.

Hapless Kenyans, it is during my error that a media house was raided by forces that I do not even know. Another was stormed by someone, all of you know, but I am not naming names. Everything was carried out in the interest of State security, as my capable minister told you. Whenever state security is threatened even from across our porous borders, he will raid a media house.

As for those Kenyans from Dukana in Marsabit who cannot walk to Kenyatta National Hospital, we will fry them for free provided they have been maimed by bandits from a neighboring country.

Some of them will die without flying and how they know our benevolence if we do not let them get maimed and killed? You will bear with me because the police are engaged in more important duties arresting cigarette smokers while the armed forces have to prepare for national day parades.

Starving Kenyans, there are numerous gains and we need more time to tell you about them. The biggest gain so far has been an influx of foreign dogs and investors whose countries of origin not even my minister in charge of immigration knows. To show how serious they were, the investors targeted the most gullible Kenyans and threw a party before, during and after an award ceremony in which winners were picked by toddlers and kindergarten children.

But their party was different from the kind of parties my ministers form every hour. Due to the increased democratic space, each one of them is free to form his or her own party and I am free to be a member of all, such so that I do not know which party I belong to. But that is a state secret and ours is a multi-party state. Anyway, never give away state secrets.

With those few remarks, poor Kenyans, you are now free to go and jienjoy. After all, hata mimi najivunia kuwa Mkenya.