I have had to withstand the backlash of many relationships gone
wrong. I know every break up story has two sides, but I am going to speak from
the one I see. Many men have experiences with women who try to pressure them
into marriage and children.
There are women who actually talk about these things early in a
relationship, before they even know if they are compatible. Some meet women who
don’t respect them and cheat on them because they are fearful of the
possibility of being hurt. A lot of men talk about the strong woman they meet
who is mean and tries to dominate the relationship, making him feel less than a
man.
I really don’t get it, or maybe I do.
Our society is one that is completely selfish, where many feel
entitled just because they were born. I want to know what makes one feel as
though they are entitled to another person’s life, their time, and the things
they have worked hard for just because they want it. If you are not enhancing a
person’s quality of life, you have no business being part of it. If you are
causing drama, arguing, and constantly making demands, those are not attractive
qualities and you should seek to make yourself a better person before engaging
in a relationship with another. You by yourself should be enough. Being alone
does not equal being lonely.
I know Steve Harvey wrote a book for women on how to deal with
men. I have seen some of its points and I am not in total agreement with all of
them. My philosophy on life is more of an Eastern/Buddhist philosophy
where I try to consider the needs and wants of others before my own. I find
that I have more peace of mind this way. I try to practice selflessness: the
art of putting the feelings of others before yours. In addition to
selflessness, there is unconditional love. Unconditional love is when you love
others regardless of their situation, what they have done, or what they may
have done to you.
The only person you can control in this life is you. There are
always going to be situations that arise which are challenging, that is life and
that is uncontrollable. People are people, and they will do things that may
cause you hurt and pain because of their own life experiences. You have to
accept them for who they are and decide if they have a place in your life or
not-you cannot change someone who does not want to change.
If you consider how you are making another person feel and also
how that other person may be feeling before you act or react, you will find
that life becomes easier for you. When someone snaps at you, instead of snapping
back and asking what you did to deserve that behaviour and using expletives,
simply ask “What’s wrong?” Many times other people’s behaviour is not about
you, so it is wrong to take it personal and allow it to upset you.
Before you enter into any long-term relationship, you have to be
happy and love yourself. You have to know what you do and don’t want, be happy
with the direction in which your life is headed, and be able to be happy even
when your significant other isn’t around. If that means having friends and
family to do things with, having hobbies that interest you, or performing some
sort of community services then do that. Wanting a man to be around all the
time is way too much pressure. Basically, get a life!
Let’s go back to my beginning points. The marriage and children
talk. Men are providers. Talking to a man about providing for you and a child,
which is what you do when you talk about marriage and children, will be scary
to any man within the first few dates. It’s ok to ask a man if he sees being
married or having children in his future if that’s what you want but nothing
more. Women have a tendency to fantasize about what their life will look like
when they meet a man. Women have to keep in mind that this is indeed just a
fantasy!
You love the idea of him but not him, because you don’t know him
yet. He is most likely just trying to have a good time and get to know you.
Honestly, I think a lot of black men are waiting to see if you are going to act
crazy or not. Try to relax and enjoy the moment. Enjoy your dinner
dates and your talks. It may work out and it may not. If not, chances are you
will learn something about yourself, your business, or life itself. Chalk it up
to experience.
If a man doesn’t want you, let him go. There are plenty of men
out there and one who will love you in return. Don’t spend too much time
sulking. There is no need to change who you are, especially if you are happy
with yourself, to keep a man. Let him find his match and wish him well. Love
him so much that you want him to be happy even if it isn’t with you.
To get over a broken heart quickly I note down all the things
that made the relationship not a good one and focus on those. We have a tendency
to focus on all the good when people are gone. You will remember the good in
time but for the sake of sparing others from your moping I recommend the list,
it works! Don’t call him, text him, stalk him, or throw a tantrum. It may
hurt but as the old adage goes: time heals all wounds.
Let a man be a man. If you make more money than he does, or you
own a home and he doesn’t…so what! Those things are material. Don’t remind him
of it every time you have an argument. If he is a productive citizen, loves his
job, and can take care of basic needs that’s all that should matter. In many
areas, especially in the city, it will take both people working to run a
household. If you live together, support him however you can. When he is around
you he should feel like a king and any worries he has should be left outside. A
man that you disrespect and belittle won’t be yours for long. There are plenty
of women out there who will make him feel like a man and your relationship will
be short-lived.
Don’t cheat; it does nothing for your character. If you’re
afraid of commitment just admit it but don’t waste other people’s time and
emotions. Giving your all shows people who you really are. If you can’t do
that, you aren’t ready for a commitment. If you are cheating because you don’t
trust him, and you don’t trust any men…get a therapist. You aren’t ready for a
commitment.
The bottom line as all men will concur is a peaceful and conducive
environment to thrive. Period!
Have a beautiful Sunday and happy
valentines for the hitched earthlings, for
the have-nots, find stillness within distraction!
Ps** Don’t kill the messenger!
